My Journey toward Motherhood

For a while now I've been wanting to share something with you, but haven't been able to bring myself to it.  We'll see how far I'll get with it today.  For as long as I can remember - well, since I hit puberty years ago anyway, I wondered if I'd be able to have kids.  My cycles were completely wacky.  Back in junior high/high school I remember menstruating for a month straight.  I eventually went to the doctor to get it to stop.  Well, then I would go 2-3 months between cycles.  I never knew when it would  come.  It was rather frustrating to say the least.  For a period of time I went on the pill just so I could have regular cycles.  That got me wondering what would happen when it came time for me to try having babies.  For the most part I put the issue out of my mind, though it never completely went away.  Years after graduating from college, I eventually asked a doctor about it after I had done a bit of research.  I was wondering if I had PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Because, not only did I have irregular cycles, I had cystic acne that wouldn't go away despite microderm abrasions and chemical peels.   He ran a bunch of blood tests.  When they came back, he said everything was in normal range - that I didn't have PCOS.  Part of me was relieved, but a huge part of me was frustrated.  What was my problem then.  Well, after the skin treatments weren't working, I saw the doctor that was in charge of the skin care clinic I was going to.  I explained my history, what I had done to treat it, and what a previous doctor had said.  He asked me several questions and then said I had PCOS.  I told him that the other doctor said I didn't since the lab work was normal.  He wanted to run the same labs again and also see a copy of my previous lab work.  I met with him a week later to go over things.  He explained my lab results thoroughly.  He said that while pretty much all the results were in normal range, the ratio of my hormone levels was out of balance.  He said the lab results confirmed what he thought - that I definitely had PCOS.  Some people with PCOS have insulin issues that cause the hormones to be out of balance.  Mine however was that my testosterone level was too high which was causing the oily skin/cystic acne and making my menstrual cycles weird.  He put me on a medication called spironolactone that suppresses the testosterone.  This medication is also used to treat hypertension since it acts as a diuretic as well.  Well, low and behold, after being on this medication for 3 weeks, my cycles were pretty much regular and I had the clearest skin I had ever had.  I was ecstatic!!!


When I was in the midst of planning my wedding, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be on my cycle during my honeymoon.  So, my doctor agreed to put me on birth control.  He was rather hesitant since I'm older, but thought it would be OK for a short period.  I ended up staying on it for a year.  I went off of it during our 1 year anniversary trip in Hawaii.  Mark and I wanted kids and knew because of our age, we shouldn't put it off any longer.  I had read the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility."  I wanted to be as educated as possible about my body.  I took my basal temp every morning, charted my cycles and really began to gain an understanding of when our most fertile time was.  Because of this, when I had a doctors appt, I was able to show him my chart and ask him detailed questions.  Women with PCOS don't always ovulate, but according to my charting, I was, which I was glad about.  However, we weren't getting pregnant.  So, thankfully my doctor was aggressive with looking into it and we started off with lots of testing.  I won't get into all the details of the testing - it was a lot.  I even did my own research on the internet.  I found some supplements for both Mark and I.  We had tests before the supplements and then tests after the supplements.  The tests showed that the supplements were working.  I then had to have an HSG.  This looks at whether or not the fallopian tubes are open.  Mine were.  Yea!!


Our next opportunity came and 2 weeks later, I had a positive home pregnancy test.  We were super excited.  However, my progesterone level was low.  So, my doctor immediately put me on progesterone supplements.  About a week later, I started noticing a little bleeding.  I tried to shrug it off, but I was nervous.  In the middle of the night I had some extremely painful cramping.  I went to the bathroom and new something was bad.  I had a ton more bleeding.  I called in sick to work and called the doctor first thing in the morning.  I was able to get an appt first thing in the morning.  The doctor's physical exam was encouraging.  He had the nurse draw my HCG and progesterone levels again and said he would call me with the results.  Well, at 6 that evening the doctor called me personally and told me what I already knew:  I did indeed have a miscarriage.  Mark and I were devastated to say the least. We were in almost a type of mourning for a couple weeks.  We were keeping things very private.  No one knew we were trying to get pregnant.  We also didn't want to tell anyone we just had a miscarriage.  For me I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all the people pitying me.  I thought it would be like having a bandaid being ripped off repeatedly.  So, Mark and I grieved together.


After the miscarriage, my cycle didn't start for 7 weeks.  I was going crazy!  Our next opportunity came and went with no + results.  So, I called my doctor again.  Because of PCOS, I was wondering if clomid would increase our chances of getting pregnant.  My doctor agreed it would help and called in the script.  I followed his directions to a T.  After our next opportunity, I had the hardest time waiting those 2 weeks.  I tried to put it out of my mind, but it was really hard.  The moment came.  While Mark was making coffee for us, I took the test.  It was almost immediately positive.  I wanted to scream in excitement.  I headed downstairs and showed the results to Mark.  We jumped up and down for joy.  We were so excited to be pregnant.  I called my doctor the following Monday and he ordered the blood work.  Oh, I forgot to mention that since my progesterone levels were low the last time, I started progesterone supplements 2 days after I ovulated.  My levels came back with good numbers.  The next week, the numbers weren't as good as the doctor wanted.  He increased my progesterone supplements.  He increased them again the following week.  I was extremely nervous.  Mark and I would wake up in the mornings, walk to the top of the hill by our house and watch the sunrise.  We had some heartfelt prayers and an incredible time of bonding.  When I was 7 1/2 weeks along, the doctor ordered an ultrasound.  The day before we had gotten the blood results that weren't as good, so we were both on edge.  All I wanted to know was that the baby's heart was beating.  As soon as the tech put the probe on my belly I saw it.  There was a little flicker.  I started crying immediately I was so relieved.


I continued the progesterone supplements and was up to 3 times a day.  I had another appt at 11 1/2 weeks.  We got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  What a beautiful sound!  We told our parents on Mother's Day and actually gave them pictures of the baby from the ultrasound.  Once we were past the first trimester I started breathing a little easier.  But again, I had a slight freak out about whether or not the baby was healthy.  Because of where I work, I see the worst of the worst in babies.  I see heart defects, spinal defects, brain defects, etc.  I was anxious to have the ultrasound that would check out all of the baby's parts.  No matter how often I "freaked out," God constantly reassured me that everything was going to be OK.  The ultrasound verified what God already told me.  Everything looked great!  The rest of the pregnancy went well.  


It's weird to realize that Mark and I have another baby that we've never met.  Someday we will.  While we don't understand God's plan, we trust He has everything under control.  We are so very thankful for Micah - our Little Bear.  He is happy, healthy, and developing well.


If anyone wants to know more about our journey and has their own story they'd like to share, feel free to leave a comment.  May God grant you the child you long for.

Mark and I in Hawaii when our journey toward parenthood began